.Saturday, November 24, 2007 ' 6:59 AM Y
you are my childhood superman!
and its because i don't feel the same way i did towards you anymore.
it's just like a metamorphosis i experienced.
perhaps the realisation that i want to achieve more in life,
to meet more people without having you frown upon,
getting on in life without having to report like a dead fish,
and that if we were a perfect couple, we probably met too early for our own good,
all fell upon me overnight.
i had to think about your feelings each time i do anything, and worrying if you did think the same to me each time,
i had to constantly hold my phone in my hand just in case i missed your call and ended up getting scolded, i think i developed some anxiety illness.
i had to make you happy at the extent of me myself being unhappy but i didnt care.
i had to make sure everything i did was pristine, immaculate and correct so that you would not pick on me each time you discovered smthg wrong.
i had to hide all the above feelings in case you thought i was being demanding.
you changed for me, yes you did.
but it was too late because i realised something else during the process of knowing that i didnt want to get too serious too soon.
and when i finally plucked up the courage to tell you i wanted to end everything,
you so willingly changed for my sake.
i kept all my feelings into a trunk,
i made myself think that I was wrong and we could start over and I could fall back in love with you again.
You were right, i hung onto you because i thought about our 3 long endearing years of relationship, you being able to make it big in the future, and because bread is more important than love.
then this one month proved that i was so wrong.
perhaps it was because i pressured myself so much to listen to you each time, i felt so freed when i didnt have to answer your calls and the little voice in my head didnt remind me to call you anymore.
i saw you going around in circles trying to get me back, you suffering trying to make me yours again, you sacrificing a lot to make me return to the girl you loved last time.
i saw all those.
those tears, those smses, those letters.
You told me i won her. the "her" i wanted to win so much in my life.
but i no longer feel happy about my winning.
so what if i won?
previously i could be dancing around in circles, but I couldnt do so now. it felt weird.
you ask me what do i want right now.
i could tell you heaps-
the fun i missed out last time, the gatherings i did not attend, the time i lost with my friends spent w you, and the freedom i like right now.
you ask why I'm doing this to you now.
i could tell you a bit-
because i do not know how else to explain to you because you demand an answer to every question you have.
im sorry because i cant give you what you really want.
but this is the best way to do it.
.Sunday, November 11, 2007 ' 5:30 PM Y
you are my childhood superman!
PILLS. PILLS. and more PILLS.
in yellow, purple and pearl.
to the back of my throat they go,
an icky bitterness that follows.
to kill the wriggling germs in your body,
mummy used to explain.
where's my reward?
i used to exclaim,
the sweet on the nurse's counter, mummy will say.
the yellowish counter shrunk over the years,
the sweet bottle becoming more obvious.
i used to anticipate the flavour i will take,
when i put my hand in and fished for my stake.
but now i can choose my flavour wisely,
because im 20 inches taller than the counter.
no longer having the need to tip my toe,
and dipping my tiny fingers into sugar.
ten years later Mr. Doctor changed.
he had waves of wrinkles on his face,
but one thing that remained the same,
was him saying : an apple a day keeps me at bay.
[:
.Saturday, November 10, 2007 ' 2:36 PM Y
you are my childhood superman!
i totally flunked bloody MSTs.
why?
because,
a) i wasnt 1000000% prepared.
b) i was tired each time i took the test.
c) I kept thinking of the next paper that was coming after i finish that paper.
so, a combination of A, B and C = expected low marks for MST.
i can no longer lie to myself that heck, its just a 15% weightage and i can take this lightly and work hard for the upcoming semestral exams.
why did i fall into sucha hole?!
Bloody shit.
I should go overseas and lock myself up somewhere on a quiet island and mug hard for any exams that come by. with no computers, no handphones, but with my fave tidbits and a person to study with me. Bf is excluded- because i cannot study with him around.
ZZZ.
Anyway, its over so i shouldnt harp on it.
I cut my fringe into bangs! WHAHAHA. and layered my hair.
perhaps i will get a hair colour next.
but i want to wait for my hair to grow before sending it into curly waves.
oh, IDEAS proj, apologies to my group members for sleeping at home while you sweeties go hunting at town. (i was too damn tired, but i know you all are too! :X)
and, im sick.
maybe no school tmr for me.
:]
