.Saturday, November 24, 2007 ' 6:59 AM Y
you are my childhood superman!
and its because i don't feel the same way i did towards you anymore.
it's just like a metamorphosis i experienced.
perhaps the realisation that i want to achieve more in life,
to meet more people without having you frown upon,
getting on in life without having to report like a dead fish,
and that if we were a perfect couple, we probably met too early for our own good,
all fell upon me overnight.
i had to think about your feelings each time i do anything, and worrying if you did think the same to me each time,
i had to constantly hold my phone in my hand just in case i missed your call and ended up getting scolded, i think i developed some anxiety illness.
i had to make you happy at the extent of me myself being unhappy but i didnt care.
i had to make sure everything i did was pristine, immaculate and correct so that you would not pick on me each time you discovered smthg wrong.
i had to hide all the above feelings in case you thought i was being demanding.
you changed for me, yes you did.
but it was too late because i realised something else during the process of knowing that i didnt want to get too serious too soon.
and when i finally plucked up the courage to tell you i wanted to end everything,
you so willingly changed for my sake.
i kept all my feelings into a trunk,
i made myself think that I was wrong and we could start over and I could fall back in love with you again.
You were right, i hung onto you because i thought about our 3 long endearing years of relationship, you being able to make it big in the future, and because bread is more important than love.
then this one month proved that i was so wrong.
perhaps it was because i pressured myself so much to listen to you each time, i felt so freed when i didnt have to answer your calls and the little voice in my head didnt remind me to call you anymore.
i saw you going around in circles trying to get me back, you suffering trying to make me yours again, you sacrificing a lot to make me return to the girl you loved last time.
i saw all those.
those tears, those smses, those letters.
You told me i won her. the "her" i wanted to win so much in my life.
but i no longer feel happy about my winning.
so what if i won?
previously i could be dancing around in circles, but I couldnt do so now. it felt weird.
you ask me what do i want right now.
i could tell you heaps-
the fun i missed out last time, the gatherings i did not attend, the time i lost with my friends spent w you, and the freedom i like right now.
you ask why I'm doing this to you now.
i could tell you a bit-
because i do not know how else to explain to you because you demand an answer to every question you have.
im sorry because i cant give you what you really want.
but this is the best way to do it.
